Time to come out

Come out, come out, wherever you are! Check out our top ten coming out tips.

Coming out of the closet can be one of the hardest (yet fulfilling) things you will ever do, and is often gradual process involving a great deal of soul searching and courage.

And if you can come out, especially if you are in a less-than-ideal situation, rest assured that that you will be able to conquer almost anything. It will make you a stronger person.

Your coming out experience depends of a number of different factors: family, culture, religion, location …the list goes on. And even the phrase ‘coming out’ is tricky because for some people it can all happen in a moment, while for others it is a process that takes many years.

There is no one way to come out, the same way no two coming out experiences are the same.

Here are ten important tips to keep in mind while you come out. This by no means an all-inclusive list;

1. The earlier you do it, the better

I’m not suggesting you scream ‘I’m gay!’ as a 5 year old, but you should generally be able to gauge when you know and when you are ready to say something. Don’t wait untill your wedding day! The longer you wait, the more you put your own state of mind on the backburner. Waiting too long can lead to regret, resentment, and anger , which you might end up taking out on yourself and/or others. It’s also easier to adjust to change when you are younger. Thankfully, times are changing and it has gotten easier for young people to come out , especially through non-confrontational means like the internet.

2. Do your homework

Because being gay isn’t socially acceptable to many, coming out will often challenge people’s deep-seated prejudices, and it’s going to better for you if you are as well-read as possible. Try and learn about stigmas associated with gay people, and see what you can do to challenge them. Pay special attention to politics surrounding gay people. Know at least the basics about HIV/AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases because it is likely that that is what mum and dad will especially worry about. You need to be prepared to dispel myths! Watch gay-themed films (not porn!), read books, take notes!

3. Make gay friends

Understandably, this can be tricky, and you may have to settle for a sympathetic straight friend. You also may have to get over your fear of being seen with an openly gay person. The benefits of having a friend who can really empathise with you, completely outweigh the negatives; not to mention you can tell them dirty details you aren’t comfortable telling straight friends. Having friends who have been or are in your position makes the coming out process considerably easier. Also, don’t surround yourself with homophobes!

4. Don't come out in anger

You might be hesitant about coming out and need an extra something to make you do it; don’t let that something be anger. It will always be remembered by the person you come out to as a weapon and you may find yourself constantly being defensive about it, which you want to avoid. This also seems obvious, but be sober when you come out. You want to be as dignified, and being wasted won’t help.
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5. Don’t be careless or leave clues

As a general rule, come out before you get found out. Especially when dealing with your parents, the last way you want to come out is by them finding the computer crashed due to excessive porn downloading. The problem with that is that, again, you are put on the defensive – and because being gay isn’t something to be ashamed of, it sends the wrong message.

6. Don’t apologise

Don’t get confused about it. Coming out is NOT about admitting shame or guilt; it is about being honest – with yourself and with others. You don’t have to claim a label. Coming out takes an incredible amount of courage and self respect – and there are plenty of people who never get a chance to do it, and not only suffer themselves, but often unintentionally create suffering for others.

7. Don’t expect too much too soon

Patience is a virtue. Naturally you want to be quickly accepted, but sometimes people, especially your parents, will find it very difficult to accept the fact that you are gay and come up with all kinds of theories to explain how/why you ‘turned gay’. Keep in mind that it’s not your problem; it's theirs. While they are struggling, try to move on with your life as best you can.

8. Coming out establishes trust

The act of coming out can establish a real bond between you and another person, because you have to be vulnerable to a certain extent. Because you have shared something personal, the other person might share something personal too. This is something that you might not initially expect when you come out, but it enables you to forge stronger, more honest relationships and finally lets you be yourself. You can even have a sense of humour!

9. There are some people who will never be supportive

This is the hardest thing to accept about coming out, especially if you come from a collectivist culture where family name/honour relies on you as part of a whole, therefore making it very hard to see yourself as a capable individual without collective support. You have to learn to be self-reliant. Keep in mind that coming out is not about others accepting you; it’s about you accepting yourself.

10. When you come out, you are not only helping yourself, you are helping others

You are making a statement when you come out, whether you realise it or not. There are many people who, for whatever reason, never get a chance to come out; so when you do, feel proud! You’ve jumped a major hurdle, and the act of you coming out has the potential to make it easier for others to follow your lead. When someone else benefits from your words of advice, it almost makes up for any pain and frustration you went through coming out. You can make a difference...

Good luck!